Whenever a new person joins the Festivities, they generally ask the same questions. Or, if they don’t, we take it upon ourselves to ask on their behalf.

Here we attempt to document the lore and history of Humpday.

1. How long have you been doing this?
   The Wednesday night hikes started around 1991, merging S’s “humpday” with D’s “BNO.”

2. What does “BNO” mean?
   “Big Night Out,” ancient parlance from D’s university days (or before).

3. Why do you do this?
   Our goal was to do a 1000-foot ascent every Wednesday, to stay in shape for our 3000-foot weekend adventures. Nowadays we do a few hundred feet, to stay in shape for getting out of bed in the morning.

4. What are “Phases?”
   The Festivities have three Phases:
   - Phase 1 Hike
   - Phase 2 Eat
   - Phase 3 Coffee.
   For more information, see The Procedure.

5. What about “Phase Zero?”
   Back in the olden days, we used Fortran. Fortran arrays start with 1, and therefore, so do our phases.

6. Do you hike during the winter?
   We celebrate Phase 1 mainly during daylight savings time. The rest of the year, we do have a Phase 1, but its duration is set to zero; this is for consistency, ensuring that Phase 2 stays Phase 2, rather than being renamed Phase 1 for half the year.

7. What is the 15-minute rule?
   During Phase 2, we wait at most 15 minutes for a table.

8. Who are S and D and all those other initials?
   We use initials to sound like world-weary Russian novelists.
   See also The Participants.

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_{FAQ • Participants • Procedure • Personalities • Invocation}

Over the years, various friends and relatives have braved our arcane rituals and weird personalities to join us for the Weekly Festivities. Here is a list of those participants, along with their official designations.

• A: D’s friend and former NOAA alumnus.

• C: D’s niece. Fluent in Pennsylvania Dutch. Likes sledgehammers, moose, camping, Forrest yoga, and D2.

• C2: aka C*D2++, aka Fortran.

• D2: C’s husband. Speaks fluent German. Is himself a technological singularity. Likes hiking, np-completeness, and C.

• BM: D2’s mom.

• E: S’s niece. Everyone’s favorite mentor. Can spot a firefly a mile away. Likes reading, writing, dusty old books, and poetry.

• ED: Ellen; LD’s sister.

• ER: daughter of M2 and SR.

• G: S2’s husband; aka GC.

• KR: S’s sister.

• KZ: C’s mom.

• LD: Liz; ED’s sister.

• M: S’s brother.

• M2: S’s nephew. Tall, steadfast, and cheerful; basically embodies all twelve points of the Scout Law.

• MK: friend of SM.

• ML: KR’s husband.

• P: S’s brother. Knows all the languages. Likes skiing, archery, dulcimers, and talking to Huldufólk under the northern lights at midnight.

• PZ: C’s pops.

• R: C2’s brother.

• RM: D2’s dad.

• S2: S’s sister.

• SM: S’s niece. Quiet, introspective, and thrifty. Swims faster than Michael Phelps. Likes old records, parakeets, animals, and nature.

• SM2: D2’s sister.

• SR: M2’s wife.

• T: S2 & GC’s animal companion.

• D: Says “five of” when he means “five til.” Knows the elevation of every summit. Likes clocks, trains, hiking, and driving long distances.

• S: Says “five til” when he means “five of.” Knows everyone’s ip address. Likes hiking, words, photography, and quiet.
  

☶

_{FAQ • Participants • Procedure • Personalities • Invocation}

Prelude

Sometime on Wednesday, an email exchange occurs. This begins the Festivities.

Phase 1

At precisely 6pm MDT, we head for the hills to gain some altitude. This is the “hump” of Humpday:

• On the way up, we complain about work.

• At the summit, D announces the DOW, and we head back downhill.

• En descente, we discuss vacations, gear, retirement, and the venue for Phase 2.

Reaching the trailhead concludes Phase 1.

Phase 1, Winter Edition

During “daylight spending time,” we conduct a nominal Phase 1, with duration == zero.

Phase 1, Cultural Edition

At the recommendation of C, we occasionally attmempt to broaden our horizons via a poetry reading, astronomy lecture, concert, film, etc. During these events, we endeavour to elevate our pinky fingers whilst drinking chai, utter words like “whilst” and “colour,” and use handkerchiefs instead of kleenex.

Phase 2

We initiate Phase 2 by performing The Great Hand-Wash. Then we eat.

Historical Addendum: In times of yore, S and D referred to this part of the night as “foraging,” “the evening’s festivities,” or “dinner.” Later, the term “Festivities” came to encompass the entire suite of Phases, not just Phase 2; meanwhile, the terms “foraging” and “dinner” still apply.

Phase 3

After dinner, we trek to the nearest bookstore/coffeeshop for Phase 3. This is the meta/zen/recursive phase, and as such, it includes three sub-phases:

Bookstore

In the bookstore sub-phase, we search for misclassified non-fiction, tomes, and “fix” them. For example, one might encounter a so-called “memoire” about telepathic aliens sending messages to Earth, which has been inexplicably classified as non-fiction. One might ascertain that such a book is more accurately characterized as fiction. If so, our civic and literary responsibility requires us to re-shelve it.

Historical Addendum: Some books contain tiny magnetized micro-bookmarks that trigger a security alarm when the book crosses a sensor at the door. This interrupts our flow. To preempt this interruption, we find these strips and deal with them.

Fall/Winter Addendum: When next year’s calendars arrive at the bookstore, we peruse their covers and scowl dishearteningly.

Coffee

The crux of Phase 3: acquiring coffee.

Questions of the Night

Whilst drinking coffee, we try to remember the various Questions that have arisen during the conversations of Phases 1 and 2. We delegate each such Question to a random Participant, who then researches and expounds upon the Answer.

Coda

The evening’s Festivities have come to an end. As we say our goodbyes, someone inevitably proclaims, “another successful BNO.” This concludes the weekly festivities.

☶

_{FAQ • Participants • Procedure • Personalities • Invocation}

There are some strange people in Boulder, even on Humpday. Here are some of the characters you might encounter on a dark and stormy Wednesday:

Amy

Our gold standard waitress. Last we heard, Amy was studying mountain gorillas in Africa. O ye happy primates.

Backgammon

Backgammon plays backgammon at Trident with inspiring joie de vivre. If everyone could enjoy life a tenth as well as she, the world would be a happier place.

BC/MS

Well-known authorities on baking, recipes, cookies, etc. One or both of them occasionally participate in P3, in absentia.

Biker Guy

Biker Guy wears a green jacket, a helmet, and a rear-view mirror attached to his glasses. We assume he has a bicycle somewhere, but we’ve never seen it.

ColoringBook

A guy with a coloring book in the middle of BookEnds Cafe. D sat next to him, and the guy glared at us. We decided he was trying to pick up chicks.

Consciousness

A bald guy typing something on his laptop called “Achieving Full Consciousness.” We think he had a sleep disorder.

DBB

Double-Braided-Beard Guy. We see them occasionally.

InMyOpinion

Some guy pontificating about Boulder (its customs, venues, and various other topics), to a captive audience of two, who had chosen BookEnds Cafe for a quiet cup of joe, but who unfortunately asked for directions or something from this self-proclaimed expert. Thankfully, we haven’t seen him in a while.

Megan

Megan once announced our arrival at Old Chicago on the PA system: “S and D are here. S and D have arrived.” When she turned 21, Megan got utterly wasted and was never heard from again.

Real Estate

This guy arrived on the scene in 2018, bellowing for half an hour at Trident about the art of making money with real estate. Buy low, sell high.

Renee

Who can forget her greeting of “Hi Guys” when we entered the coffee shop?

Seeked

Students at Bookends Cafe, befuddled about the past tense of seek. We helped them out, and thereby saved their semester.

Snowflake

Students in a snowstorm near the Physics building: “If you sniff a snowflake, it’s like you’re getting high.” Whoa.

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_{FAQ • Participants • Procedure • Personalities • Invocation}

From: S
To: D
Subject: amy

Ash @ 6p?

To which the reply:

From: D
To: S
Subject: RE: amy

6p Ash ok

Anyone can initiate this exchange. The content varies, but it’s always concise and cryptic. That’s how we like it.

the haiku years

In the distant past, we tried writing humpday haikus. These didn’t last long. (Get it?) Anyway, here’s a sample:

From: S 28-FEB-1996 19:46:23.09
To: D
Subj: Re: AMY

> Begin at seven
> Amy, a beer, some pizza
> Our slice of heaven

Coffee afterwards,
Renee invading the john:
Why else would we go?

S

Perhaps you can understand why we abandoned haiku.

☶

_{FAQ • Participants • Procedure • Personalities • Invocation}